It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
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Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”