friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
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Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.