[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
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Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall