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When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
cat vs inanimate object
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.