Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
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Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.