WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
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police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.