Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
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“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Don’t make me out nice you.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.