Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
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Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK