If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
You Might Also Like
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.