American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
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anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.