Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
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Good Morning.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?