i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
You Might Also Like
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING