I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
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Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”