Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
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What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.