Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
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the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Gross if literal…Liverpool
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.