Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
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me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?