I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
You Might Also Like
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
This kinda thing happens to me often
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?