You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
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honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Brb my Sims are getting married
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.