Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
an airline just for babies.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing