[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
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“Wait, let me explain..”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes