therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
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[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.