Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
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all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
WTF IS THAT!
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters