Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
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Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting