Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
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You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
my astrological sign is a french fry
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism