Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
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Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?