if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
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Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Autocorrect is my menesis
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
#polloftheday
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn