My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
2 years later
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I can’t be the only one 😂
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.