I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
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[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”