My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
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I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.