When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
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Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Spring cleaning checklist…
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
ATMs should have breathalyzers
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I found your tweet-up…
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.