slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
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BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.