Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
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My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.