An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
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[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
mechanics be like
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch