Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
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If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
This is always good for a laugh.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.