*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
i now pronounce you bounced.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible