I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
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I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666