Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
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[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll