For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
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Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis