Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
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I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again