me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
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I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.