In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
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“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Sooo many times…..
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.