yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
You Might Also Like
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Whoa… oh I see lol
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.