Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
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Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?