A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
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Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Wait a minute…
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower