good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
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Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Holy shit he’s back
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too