You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
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It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?