Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
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11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
From my Mom
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Still a very good boi….
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
This line from Airplane.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon