[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Me trying to “trust the process”
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.