We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
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me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?