Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
You Might Also Like
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
oppen heimer style lol
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best